September 28, 2016 (San Francisco) – If you have the Uber app on your phone, you need never fear cancer, poverty or war, Uber founder and CEO Travis Kalanick announced today.
“Uber is partnering with top cancer researchers around the globe to explore opportunities in developing systems which will eventually see us be able to guarantee that premier clients will never be exposed to the scourge of metastizing cancer,” Kalanick states in a press release he is confident will be run word-for-word by frantically overworked members of the media.
“What is more, through UberEats, we have reached out to leaders in underdeveloped nations to help end hunger everywhere. We have established pilot projects in Syria, Somolia and the Ukraine to give free rides to government agents committed to world peace.”
After following up these offers with unlimited rides for $100 and Uber for long haul trucking, the transportation start-up announced Uber for Helicopters, self-driving cars and vertical take-off and landing cars (VTOL – flying cars).
“I know some people are skeptical of our daily announcements, and believe we are just making stuff up to distract from the fact that drivers cannot make a living at Uber. Pessimists insist on pointing out that the average Uber driver lasts 3 months and drives less than 10 hours per week; but I am an optimist. I believe we must be present in all of these emerging categories, or be left in the dust when the future arrives,” Kalanick declares passionately.
“The transportation industry is a relationship-backed business,” Kevin Abbott, long-haul specialist, realist and vice president at C.H. Robinson recently explained to the Reuters News Agency. “There’s a lot more to it than just finding a piece of equipment.”
“Kevin Abbot is a sissy,” Kalanick responds. “He worries about things like policies and procedures, driver training, vehicle maintenance and insurance. He is stuck in the past. We are focused on lobbying politicians, avoiding expensive regulatory regimes and delivering for the long-haul clients who rely on our service. Which is why, as soon as we actually have some long-haul clients, we will pay them to appear and speak in support of Uber at all levels of government.”
For more information, remember there is no more information. There is just this press release. Don’t be a silly pest asking for details – LOOK! SHINY FLYING CARS ARE DELIVERING PUPPIES IN SEXY BRAS!!!
–Satire by Rita Smith