Baby, it’s smart outside

On December 10th I made the five hour drive home from the United States. Switching to Canadian radio, I was flabbergasted to find we are still discussing the lyrics to the Christmas song, “Baby, it’s cold outside.”

Why, I wondered, is a 50-year-old song about two adults cuddling in front of a fire bothering so many people? I had just left Michigan, proud birthplace of Marshall Mathers (aka Eminem), who became a millionaire writing songs about killing women and raping their corpses. Ariana Grande is singing about wrist icicles. Eeeeeew.

Radio host Evan Soloman pointed out that many listeners feel “Baby, it’s cold outside” is “rapey.” Endless ink has been spilled discussing whether it flies in the face of the #MeToo movement; some station have banned it altogether.

I suggest, once again, that we are failing young women. Why are we engaged in this debate at all, in 2018? Last time I checked, women have the power to say “no” to men and it’s incumbent upon us to do so when the situation calls for it.

The woman in this song has the power to say “no,” get up and go at any time. Why are millions of intelligent people pretending otherwise? This is not a good idea to give young women – or young men.

Here’s a 2018, common-sense version of the lyrics to “Baby, it’s cold outside.” I doubt it will crack the Top Ten, but it will be closer to reality, and it’s good news for men and women everywhere.


“I don’t plan to stay (Baby it’s cold outside)

So I’m on my way (Baby it’s cold outside)

This evening has been (Nice that you chose to drop in)

So very nice (I’ll hold your hands they’re just like ice).


I’ll call home so Mother won’t worry (Beautiful what’s your hurry?)

Father will unlock the door (Listen to the fireplace roar)

I’m not stressed by a little snow flurry (Beautiful please don’t hurry)

A drink? I don’t want any more (I’ll put some records on while I pour)


I know how to think (Baby it’s bad out there)

I said “no” to that drink (No cabs to be had out there)

I’m sure I know how (Your eyes are like starlight now)

To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell) (Why thank you)



I’m sure that you heard me say ‘no’ sir (Mind if move in closer?)

At least you can say that you tried (What’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?)

I’m not gonna stay (Baby don’t hold out)

I can handle the cold outside.






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