We are staring down the barrel of another month of Coronavirus media coverage.
Is it even possible to endure the stress of the 24/7 news cycle, full of hysteria and doom?
To survive, do what I do: make the best satire sites part of your news feed. The Beaverton, Genesius Times and the Babylon Bee are probably better for your mental health than antidepressants or therapy, and cheaper, too.
Although I am a media junkie, I allow notifications from only one news site: Canada’s own, the Beaverton.
“Despite suspended NHL season, Leafs somehow still eliminated from playoffs” the Beaverton announced on March 13th.
“Toronto fans have taken the news in stride,” the Beaverton reports encouragingly. “‘Despite the virus shaking up our normal daily routines and activities, it’s comforting to see the warm familiarity of the Leafs again having no chance to win the Cup,’ said local attorney, Marla Danvers. ‘Makes you realize that things will be back to normal soon enough!’”
The Beaverton’s Canadian identity allows it to deliver sly, witty political satire non-Canadians would never write:
“Aides restrain Trudeau to prevent him resolving Wet’suwet’en blockade with ‘perfect costume,’” was a headline instantly appreciated by every cringing Canadian.
“As Wet’suwet’en railway blockades across Canada continue with no end in sight, PMO aides have reportedly been forced to physically restrain Prime Minister Trudeau to stop him from delving into his costume chest in an attempt to aid negotiations,” the Beaverton deadpanned.
After the Beaverton, my personal favourite is the Genesius Times, which proclaims itself “the most Reliable Source of Fake News on the Planet.” (Disclosure: I publish stories in the Genesius Times under the pen name Doreen Tipton.)
It has an unapologetically raucous sense of humour; in tone and in spirit, it reminds me of the MAD magazine I loved as a kid.
“CDC: Current outbreak of stupidity may be worse than the outbreak of coronavirus.” Genesius Times announces in a headline with which many readers might agree.
“Due to the recent outbreak of stupidity and panic-purchasing by complete idiots, the nation is currently experiencing a shortage of toilet paper and common sense…we expect supplied to be replenished once these sheep-minded morons have all staved to death in their homes surrounded by toilet paper but without anything to eat.”
“Local biological men dominate International Women’s Day” blares another, above a photo of five “women” straight out of the Jonathan/Jessica Yaniv School of Burly Man’s Fashion.
“This International Women’s Day is so important because we’re finally realizing that women who are women are great, but even better than that are men who are women,” the perfectly politically incorrect text points out.
After checking the Beaverton and Genesius Times, I make sure to read the Babylon Bee, which has more of an American political focus but still lots of laughs.
“Biden: ‘I Am The Only Candidate Who Can Beat Ronald Reagan’”
“Fresh off his afternoon nap, presidential candidate Joe Biden gave a fiery, high-energy speech in Houston today, claiming to be the only candidate who could beat incumbent Ronald Reagan.”
There you go: Pandemic Media Survival, 2020. Read two articles, and call me in the morning.